WINNING CHILD CUSTODYEveryone in a bad divorce wants to know, “How can I win custody?” Simply; you cannot. Winning child custody is a position, not a solution. Custody is not about winning or losing, but doing what is in the best interests of your children. Winning child custody can be achieved through an agreement in which both parents can continue to be consistently and predictably involved with their children. The research, the scientific community at large and common sense tells us this is what is best. 
However, I also know there are parents who are simply not committed to being parents, or are not able to be parents because of a long-term drug use, gambling or sexual addiction, or other criminal and psychological problems. In the same context, parents who are abusive may not be appropriate parents in the short or long term. For situations like this, winning child custody will be in the best interests of your child. So, how do you deal with these nasty situations in custody battles? Sometimes, parents tell me their reasoning: “If I say John is addicted to drugs, then they will see that I’m the better parent.” Wrong! Being the better parent does not mean you need to make the other parent look bad. In fact, it doesn’t matter what you think. That may sound a little strong, but the point is this: what matters most is what the data shows your concerns to be, not what you say. Beyond your statements, your information has to be credible. Which looks more credible: Telling me you are a college graduate, or showing me your diploma with the raised seal? The diploma, of course. The same applies to issues of bad parenting. Case in point: If your wife is addicted to spending, show the receipts. If your husband is abusive, bring medical documentation, photos and a police report. Winning Child Custody is not easy, but you can improve your chances for a better outcome if you are truly in a bad situation. What I mean by 'bad situation' is that your partner is likely unfit. The first step to improve your situation is to identify the problems, and how those problems affect your children. I know you want to say how the problems affect you, but it’s not about you, it’s about the children, and that’s where the focus has to lie. Secondly, unless it can be shown that the other parent’s functioning is potentially neglectful or harmful, it is very unlikely that anything you say or show will make a substantial change in the custody outcome. Therefore, to engage in a 'win' strategy, you must be in a position to fight for full custody versus shared custody or something else significant like supervised versus unsupervised visitation based on a legitimate reason. If you are a victim of allegations and feel as if you are losing ground, the same points hold true. If you are in a high-conflict divorce, everyday you are likely to be facing an allegation or nasty comment both in and out of court. That is, unfortunately, just the way it is, and the courts don't usually police that kind of conduct. There are, however, ways to deflect these allegations: with information= data. What does this mean? Even if someone is accusing you of all kinds of things, these accusations will eventually be dismissed if that person cannot prove them with neutral factual data. Being in the midst of such a battle can be unbearable at times, but the chances are very high for such accusations to be defeated. So the final questions to consider are: 1. Is the other parent unfit? 2. Can I demonstrate that with neutral, factual information? 3. How long is the present problem likely to last?
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