WINNING CHILD CUSTODY

Everyone in a bad divorce wants to know, “How can I win custody?” Simply, you cannot. Winning child custody is a position not a solution. Custody is not about winning or losing, but doing what is in the best interests of your children. Winning child custody, can be achieved through an agreement where both parents can continue be consistently and predictably involved with their children. The research, the scientific community at large, and common sense tells us this is what is best.

However, I also know there are parents who are simply not committed to being parents, or are not able to be parents because of a long-term drug use, gambling or sexual addiction, or other criminal and psychological problems. In this same area, parents who are abusive may not be appropriate parents in the short or long-terms. For situations like this, winning child custody can be in the best interests of your child.

So, how do you deal with these nasty situations in custody battles?

Sometimes parents tell me their logic. “If I say John is addicted to drugs, then they will see that I’m the better parent.” Wrong! Being the better parent doesn’t mean you need to make the other parent look bad. In fact it doesn’t matter what you think. I know that sounds a little strong, but the point is, what matters most is what data shows your concerns without you saying it.

Beyond your statements your information has to be credible. Which looks more credible: You telling me you’re a college grad, or showing me your diploma with the raised seal? The diploma right? The same speaks to issues of bad parenting.

If your wife is addicted to spending, show the receipts. If you’re husband is abusive, bring medical documentation, photos, and a police report.

Winning Child Custody is not easy, but you can improve your odds for a better outcome if you are truly in a bad situation. What I mean by bad situation is that the other is likely unfit. The first way to improve is to identify the problems, and how those problems effect your children. I know you want to say how the problems effect you, but it’s not about you, it’s about the children, and that’s where the focus has to lie.

Secondly, unless it can be shown that the other parent’s functioning is potentially neglectful or harmful, it is very unlikely, anything you say or show will make a substantial change in the custody outcome. So, to engage in a “win” strategy you should be in a situation in which you’re fighting for full custody verses shared custody or something else significant like supervised verses unsupervised visitation based on a legitimate reason, otherwise you’re spinning your wheels.

If you’re the victim of allegations and feel like you’re losing ground, the same points hold true. If you’re in a high-conflict divorce, everyday you’re likely to be facing an allegation or nasty comment both in and out of court. It’s just the way it is, and the courts don't usually police that kind of conduct.

However, there are ways to deflect these allegations with information (data) to silence them once and for all. I also mean to say if somebody is accusing you of just about anything, unless they can prove it with neutral data, then it will eventually get pushed to the side. In the midst of that battle, it can be unbearable, but the chances that it will disappear are pretty high.

So the final questions to condider are:

1. Is the other parent unfit?

2. Can I show that with neutral information?

3. How long is the present problem likely to last?